The Jess and Fio Show
by Bronwynne
Summary: The mayham of a X-Men Evo talk show with two seriously hyper hosts!
1. Cast of Characters

Cast of Characters  
  
All these people are real. These are some of my X-Men Evo RPG buddies   
  
and one night I was bored at work and this crazy humor piece was born!  
  
Jess: Me! Intensely obsessed with Gambit. Also intensly afraid of Bunnies in all their forms.  
  
Fio: My fellow Evotic! She's obessed with Pyro and the fact that he's   
  
not gay. HE ISN'T GAY *eye twitch*  
  
Az: One of our instigators. Loves to drive Fio and Jess crazy.  
  
Bern: One of our British friends and Az's partner in crime.   
  
Tree: Our therapist, really she is. Uhhh I think.......  
  
Sashi: Our sane friend who thinks we need a one way ticket to Looneyville.  
  
Val: Our other British friend who *sob sob* We don't get to talk to very often.  
  
Dune: Our resident crazy boy. Talk about dark storylines...... 


	2. The Jess and Fio Show

The Jess and Fio Show  
  
(Stage lights go on and there are two chairs on the stage with a small table between the chairs. The lights go up and the X-Men Evolution theme song starts to play. From the left comes Fio and the right comes Jess. They wave to the crowd as the head to their seats)  
  
Jess: Good evening everyone!  
  
Fio: What a nice night! Isn't it a nice night?  
  
Jess: Oh yes. How have you been Fio?  
  
Fio: Oh, let me tell you, I've been having SUCH a time convincing everyone Pyro isn't gay. (eye begins to twitch) HE'S NOT GAY!  
  
Jess: (stares at Fio) Fio.....  
  
Fio: (calming down) I'm ok, I'm ok. (takes deep breaths) So Jess, I hear you have recently aquired a couple of Gambit action figures!  
  
Jess: Why yes. Yes I did. At least one of them goes everywhere with me!  
  
Az:(from offstage) Gambit's a bunny in disguise!  
  
Jess: (yelled to Az) NO HE ISN'T! (remembers she's in front of the cameras and a live audience, she faces the camera and smiles and says through clenched teeth) We'll discuss this later Az.  
  
Az: Whatever.  
  
Fio: ANYWAYS.... So Jess you were saying that you take your Gambit action figure everywhere.  
  
Jess: Yes, yes I do. In fact......... (reaches into pant cargo pocket and pulls Gambit figure out) Here he is!  
  
Fio: You brought it here?  
  
Jess: Yep! Why not? (sits figure on table in between chairs)  
  
Fio: Oooooo keeee, today's topic is, as always, Pyro and Gambit!  
  
Jess: Of course!  
  
Fio: As all of you know, I love Pyro.  
  
Az: (from offstage) PYRO'S GAY!  
  
Fio: NO HE ISN'T! DON'T MAKE ME BREAK OUT THE SPORK AGAIN!  
  
Az: Not the spork! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
Fio: Like I was saying before we were so rudely interrupted, Pyro is not gay. And Gambit is not a bunny in disguise.  
  
Jess: Ahhhh........Gambit...........(slips into daydream of Gambit's flowy hair)  
  
Fio: (snapping fingers in front of Jess's face) Jess.......Jeeeeeeeeesssssssssssss..... (starts shaking her) SNAP OUT OF IT!  
  
Jess: Huh? Wha.... Oh yeah. Heh heh heh. Sorry! (smiles sheepishly)  
  
(They are interrupted again by Bern who wanders onto the stage.  
  
Bern: Hey have you guys seen Az?  
  
Jess: He's working his camera. Aren't you supposed to be on the other camera?  
  
Bern: (laughing) Oh yeah!   
  
(Bern walks over to her camera. She and Az share a conspiritoral look)  
  
Jess: Well Fio, What Pyro tidbit would you like to share with everybody today?  
  
Fio: I would like to say, PYRO IS NOT GAY! (rage starts to build and her breathing starts getting heavy)  
  
Jess:(in calming voice and pats Fio's hand) Fio.......... It's ok..............  
  
Az: He is though!  
  
Fio: AZ! (pulls out spork of doom from under her chair)  
  
Az: EEEEP!  
  
Bern: Ha!  
  
Jess: Bern!  
  
Bern: What?  
  
Fio: Doooooooom  
  
Az: AHHHHH  
  
Bern: Jess!  
  
Jess: What?  
  
Bern: Bunny!  
  
Jess: AHHHHH  
  
Az: Spork!  
  
Fio: HA!  
  
Az: Noooooooooo  
  
(Sashi comes running onto the stage)  
  
Sashi: Fio............... Jess............  
  
Jess and Fio: Sashi!  
  
(Sashi runs offstage again and a few minutes later appears dragging two life size mannequins. One is a Pyro mannequin the other a Gambit mannequin)  
  
Jess and Fio: AHHHHH! (they run and glomp the mannequins)  
  
Fio: Pyro, my love.....  
  
(Jess starts dragging hers offstage)  
  
Bern: Jess! It's fake!  
  
Jess: So?  
  
Fio: Come on Jess. We have a show to finish. Sashi you soooo rule!  
  
Jess: (grumbling and dragging her mannequin with her) Ohhhh kay......  
  
Fio: Sashi, where did you get these?  
  
Sashi. From the internet. A site called If Jess and Fio scare you raise your hands.com. Like them?  
  
Jess: YES!  
  
(Jess and Fio take their seats again. The stage crew positions the mannequins so it looks like they are standing behind their chairs)  
  
Jess: (gazing at mannequin) Sashi, you are my hero...........  
  
Fio: (also gazing at mannequin) Yeah........  
  
Sashi: That's not all. They talk to!  
  
(Sashi walks behind mannequins and pushed small button on the back of their necks)  
  
Pyro Mannequin: Specialty of the House! Barbequed spider!  
  
Gambit Mannequin: Hello, chere.  
  
(Jess passes out)  
  
Fio: AHHHHHH! HE TALKS!  
  
Az: Oh God. That thing's going to be talking all the time. Sashi, you should never have shown them that. I thought just you bringing mannequins was bad enough. But now they talk too.......  
  
Sashi: Heh heh heh. I have one more. (drags an Avalanche mannequin onto the stage)  
  
Fio: Why did you bring him? (trying to snap Jess out of her faint)  
  
Sashi: Well.......... (winks at Az and Bern) Just because.  
  
Az: (looking at Jess passed out on floor) You know, we can always just put a bunny on her face.....  
  
Jess: I'm up! I'm up! No need for bunnies!  
  
Az: TOO LATE! (pulls a cord and a bucket of bunnies fall on Jess's head)  
  
Jess: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! GET THEM OFF! GET THEM OFF!  
  
Az: (laughing maniacly) BWAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA  
  
Sashi: I'm so out of here. You guys are crazy. (Sashi leaves)  
  
Bern: OH! God! Look at Jess's face! (laughs at look of terror on Jess's face)  
  
Az: BWAHAHAHAHAAAAAA  
  
Fio: Az! That wasn't nice!  
  
Az: Yeah? Check this out! (runs over to Avalanceh mannequin and drags it over to Pyro mannequin and makes them look like they are making out)  
  
Fio: AHHHH! NOOOOOOOOO! (rushes over to pull Pyro mannequin away)  
  
(Jess comes to with a bunny resting on her forehead)  
  
Jess: (hyperventialting) Get..................it...............off..............me............  
  
Bern: (laughing) This is the best show yet!  
  
(Duney enteres in his black Magneto Costume)  
  
Dune: Hello all.........  
  
Fio: Duney!  
  
Jess: Uh, nice costume Dune...........  
  
Dune: (walks over to Avalanche mannequin) You have displeased me!  
  
(Dune whips out a machette and hacks off one of the mannequin's hands)  
  
Fio: Uhhh........ yeah...........  
  
(Jess has finnaly escaped from the evil bunny's clutches)  
  
Jess: Yeah, Dune. Thanks........I think.....  
  
Az: NO FAIR! Bern and I were just about to prove Pyro's gay!  
  
Fio: NOOOOOOOOOOOO  
  
Bern: And that Gambit's a bunny in disguise........  
  
Jess: NOOOOOOOOOOOO  
  
Dune: ENOUGH! A war is upon us..........  
  
Jess: (to Fio in a loud whisper) I think Dune's finally snapped......  
  
Fio: OH yeah!  
  
Jess: Thanks for dropping by Duney! (pushes him offstage)  
  
Fio: Ok, no more messing around.  
  
Jess: Yes. We are professionals.  
  
Bern: Don't you guys have some calls to take? He's been waiting since we dumped the bunnies on Jess...  
  
(Jess jumps in her seat and nervously begins to look for bunnies)  
  
Jess: (in a panicky voice with her eye twitching) Where are they?  
  
Fio: The bunnies are gone. Let's say hello to our first caller. The only person to ever get scared off with only posting once on our RPG board. Chester from the outside picnic table, hello! What's your question?  
  
Chester: Yeah, Fio, Jess, I just wanted to know if you two are on some kind of medication that makes you act this stupid.  
  
Jess: Good question Chester, Fio and I are currently without any medicational assistance. The stupidity you are seeing is 100% natural. Call us stupid again and we'll let Duney hack off your hand.  
  
Fio: Yeah! So put that in your pipe and smoke it!  
  
Az: (shaking head) Fio, that was so stupid.  
  
(Bern is in the background laughing)  
  
Jess: Our next caller is............. Val! Yay! Val, how are ya?  
  
Val: I'm great Jess! How are you and Fio?  
  
Fio: I'd be better if Az and Bern would drop the Pyro being gay thing.  
  
Az: But he is!  
  
Fio: NO!  
  
Jess: Az, leave her alone. Have you forgotten the spork of doom she has hidden under her chair?  
  
Az: NO! NOT THE SPORK OF DOOOOOOOM!  
  
Val: (laughing) I did have a question for you guys.  
  
Fio: What's that Val?  
  
Val: What would you two do if Pyro and Gambit lookalikes walked onto your stage?  
  
Fio: Well, I'm only speaking for myself, but I'd be cool, calm and collected.  
  
Jess: Yeah, right. I'd jump him. That's what would happen. I'd jump him and he wouldn't know what hit him.  
  
Fio: Yeah I guess you are right. I'd jump him too. Hey Val! Drop by sometime!  
  
Val: Sure! See you guys later!  
  
Jess: I'm so glad Val called.  
  
Bern: Uh, Jess, Fio..... there's some people here to see you......  
  
Fio: Who now?  
  
(Val walks in with Pyro and Gambit lookalikes dressed in thier battle uniforms)  
  
Jess: (thinks for a minute) Wow......... that was fast Val! (notices Gambit lookalike) Erk....  
  
(With a loud thud, Jess passes out)  
  
Fio: JESS! ARE YOU OK??? (tries to shake Jess and wake her up) VAL! GET THE CRASH CART!  
  
(Val rushes offstage and drags ressesitation cart onto the stage. They charge the paddles and place them on Jess's chest)  
  
Val: CLEAR! (they jolt Jess)  
  
Jess: Who..... wha..... what happened?  
  
Val: That! (points to look alikes)  
  
Jess: Erk....  
  
Fio: (shaking Jess) NO! NO PASSING OUT!  
  
Az: (radios Bern) Get the tranqulizer darts ready. Those two are going to make thier brains explode if we don't calm them down.  
  
Bern: I'm on it! (she whips out tranquilzer rifle aims at Jess and Fio and shoots a dart into each of their necks)  
  
Fio: What the he...  
  
Jess: NOT AGAIN!  
  
(The two of them stumble around for a moment and hit the floor, they keep trying to get back up. Meanwhile Az calls the look alikes over to him)  
  
Az: (to Gambit lookalike) Jess really likes to be called Chere and give her this. (hands Lookalike a bunny. then turns to Pyro lookalike) Fio likes when Pyro says he's gay....  
  
(The lookalikes give eachother doubting looks)  
  
Pyro Lookalike: Okay mate, whatever you say.....  
  
Gambit Lookalike: I'm not sure about this (gives the bunny a funny look) but ok.......  
  
(Jess and Fio have managed to get back into their chairs. the stage crew has added two chairs to the stage so the lookalikes can sit next to Fio and Jess. The mannequins are still on the stage behind them and the Avalance one is lying on the floor missing a hand)  
  
Bern: Uh Az...... they are fighting off the tranquilizers already.....  
  
Az: What? There was enough in those things to bring down an elephant! They couldn't have already built up a tolenance to that doseage! I just raisied it.  
  
Bern: I don't know....  
  
(Jess and Fio now have complete control over themselves again)  
  
Jess:(pulling dart out of neck) Hmmmmm, I seem to be fighting this off faster than before  
  
Fio: Me too. (looks around) Where's my Pyro lookalike?  
  
Pyro Lookalike: Right here Sheila.  
  
Az: (In a whisper) Remember.... GAY!  
  
Jess: WHERE'S GAMBIT? (panics and looks around)  
  
Gambit Lookalike: I'm in the chair next to you chere.  
  
Jess: (giggling) HE called me Chere! (lets out girlish scream)  
  
Pyro Lookalike: Yeah, and I'm gay.....  
  
Fio: (eye twitching) AZZZZZZZZZZ.....  
  
Gambit Lookalike: ( To Jess) I have a gift for you. (hands her bunny)  
  
Jess: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! GET IT AWAY! (chucks bunny across room)  
  
Az: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA! (pulls out gernade launcher and instead of gernades it shoots bunnies at Jess)  
  
Jess: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (ducking bunnies)  
  
Gambit Lookalike: I'm confused. He said you loved bunnies.  
  
Jess: (cowering in fear under her chair) Bunnies scare me!  
  
Pyro Lookalike: (To Gambit lookalike) Let's get out of here! These two are insane!  
  
(Fiora is chasing Az with the spork of doom while he's still launching bunnies everywhere)  
  
Gambit Lookalike: I think you are right. Let's get out of here!  
  
(The two lookalikes book it out of the room away from the insanity)  
  
Fio: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! COME BAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!  
  
Jess: (crawls out from under her chair) Did they leave?  
  
Fio: (sulking) Yes.  
  
Jess: (starts to run to door) NOOOOOOOOO! (starts sobbing) I lost my one true love.....  
  
Az: (laughing) That was classic!  
  
Bern: (still musing over tranquilzer episode) I still don't get it. How did they fight off all that sedative that fast? They should have been out for a few hours at least.....  
  
Fio: We've built up an immunity!  
  
Jess: Yes. Yes we have. Ha ha!  
  
Bern: You guys have a guest waiting you know.  
  
Fio: Yay! A gust! Who is it?  
  
Bern: One of the writers from Evo.  
  
Jess: Bring him out!  
  
(Writer guy comes out looking slightly concerned. He's been watching show from backstage and thinks Jess and Fio need to be commited to a psych ward. Since I don't know any of the writer's names, we'll call him Mr.X)  
  
Mr. X: Jess, Fio! I see there has been quite a bit of excitemement on your show today.  
  
Fio: Yeah, I don't know if excitement is the right word.......... craziness, maybe.  
  
Jess: Enough chit chat, Is there going to be a season 5?  
  
Mr. X: Well, I'm not at libety to discuss that at the moment.  
  
Fio: What kind of stupid answer is that?  
  
Jess: Really.  
  
Mr. X: Well I'm just saying I can't confirm the next season. I can answer any other questions you may have.  
  
(Jess and Fio pout)  
  
Fio: All we wanted to know is if there will be another season. You basically have no other use.  
  
Jess: That's it! (ties Mr. X to chair)  
  
Fio: Good thinking! He'll stay there until he spits it out!  
  
Bern: Jess, Fio, we've called your therapist. Kidnapping and holding someone hostage is slightly illegal.  
  
(Treashin walks out witha fake grey wig and a fake grey moustache on. She's also wearing a grey suit. With her is a notepad and the stage crew is setting out two couches and a big chair for Treashin)  
  
Treashin: (sits in chair and uses a very bad fake german accent) Vell, seet down!  
  
(Jess and Fio lie down on the couches)  
  
Jess: I had enough therapy when I was a kid.  
  
Fio: I feel kind of silly.  
  
Treshin: (still in bad german accent) Vonce we vind zee problem, ve can find zee root of zee problem. Tell me, Vhy did you tie up zee writer?  
  
Fio: Because he won't tell us if there's going to be a fifth season!  
  
Treashin: Ahhh. Go on.  
  
Fio: what do you mean go on? That's why we tied him up!  
  
Treashin: But what is zee ROOT of zee problem? (writing on notepad)  
  
Jess: Uhhhh Treashin? Are you even paying attention to us?  
  
Treashin: (absently) Yes, yes, now ve are getting somevhere....  
  
Fio: (grumbling) This is stuuuupid......  
  
Jess: I'm so done with this.....  
  
(Interrupted by loud banging on studio doors)  
  
(From outside doors) POLICE! OPEN UP! RELEASE YOUR HOSTAGE!  
  
Jess: WE DON'T HAVE A HOSTAGE!  
  
Fio: Uhhhhh.... we kind of do... (points to Mr. X)  
  
(Jess pushes Mr. X out side door. Once he's gone, let's the police in. The police bust in with guns drawn. They look around and see a Pyro and Gambit mannequins, a Lance mannequin on the ground missing a hand, Treashin drawing picutres of Jess and Fio in straight jackets, not to mention the random bunnies hopping around. Jess sees one and screams, jumping into the arms of the nearest officer. He looks startled)  
  
Officer: It's just a rabbit Miss.  
  
Jess: (terrified) GET IT AWAY! IT'S EEEEEEEEEEVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIL!  
  
Officer: Miss, you need to get your feet on the ground.  
  
Jess: (still terrified) Not while that evil rabbit is still there.  
  
Az: (jumps out from behind screen dressed in a bunny suit) Hey JEEEEEES!  
  
Jess: (jumps out of officer's arms and runs away screaming) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
(Jess runs away screaming and cracks her head on Bern's camera. She falls back onto the floor unconsious)  
  
Fio: Jess! Quick someone call an ambulance! The number's on speed dial.  
  
(Val calls an ambulance as Az laughs in his bunny suit)  
  
Fio: Well, we'll have to say bye for now! I'm going to the hospital with Jess to make sure that since this is her third concussion this week, she dosn't loose any brian cells. See you next time!  
  
(Paramedics rush in and see Jess and one mumbles, "Not again!" They load her into an ambulance and Fio grabs the Gambit mannequin and drags it with her to the ambulance)  
  
Fio: Well, she'l need something good to see when she wakes up. What better than Gambit?  
  
(Cameras fade out) 


End file.
